I Don't Know
My Mother had her home phone number for 55 years. Ms. SoberPants is thinking that she doesn't really need that land line. I feel all kinds of odd panic about cancelling Mothers phone service. The same number for 55 years seems like some sort of achievement and should be honored in some way. I don't think this is really rational of me, but it seems so finale to lose that phone number.
Today is my once a month Area meeting way across town. Unless you live in a city as large as Houston, "way across town" may not mean much to you.
- It seems amazing to me that everyone in the world looks different, even though we all have the basic mouth-nose-eyes combo.
- How can there be so many different interpretations of right and wrong?
- How do we go completely unconscious for 8 hours a day and really never talk about how crazy weird that is?
One of the odd changes in my life since Mama died is that I don't want to talk to people. I've always been a talker but lately I avoid phone calls and don't socialize with my co-workers at all. I have carried my purse with me to the prayer circle after every meeting this week in order to duck out the door before the mingling started. On the drive home I get calls wondering what happened to me after the meeting and I'm letting those calls go to voice mail. I don't feel like using the air to talk.......I have no idea what that is about.
Hey, I'm glad I just wrote that paragraph. It was like talk-typing, I don't see it as a red flag, but perhaps orange. A small warning that I am isolating.
This post is getting to long and I need to hit the shower.
Pammie
18 OK JUST SAY IT!:
Maybe if you are still doing that next week it will be darker orange? But this week, maybe it is yellow orange?
I have a friend who is living in his parents' house - while they are in a nursing home. He has that attachment to the phone number and knows it isn't rational. I can't imagine still having PL5-6532 (my first phone number)
You are gr
ieving and that is okay.
When I cancelled moms phone they offerëd the number to me. She had it 45 years.
3-5512. That was my first number. That is all you had to dial in W KY back then.
I used to marvel when driving at night that there were people inside buildings, lying horizontal and unconscious. It's weird I tell ya.
I would welcome that silence for a while. The world will wait.
I think it's a good thing that people are calling you after the meeting. It would be really sad if the change in your behaviour went unnoticed.
Still lighting prayer candles here for you. Grieving can be exhausting.
No words for you today, but I am here.
I like what dAAve said. You are where you are and its ok. Silence gives up space to process our thoughts.
I had similar feelinga about canceling Mom's number. She didn't have it as long as your mom but I still remember it. 554-1822 Maybe you should make it your number. Or Ms SoberPants could make it her cell number.
Cancelling a phone number is so final. I had trouble cancelling my daughters number when she moved away after only 4 years. Grieving is a process, and you get to do it anyway you choose. Be gentle and trust the process. Hugs!
55 yrs and the same phone #? That is pretty cool. When my grandmother in law passed my mil took it very hard. Their relationship was much likes yours and your mother. My husband and I were to move into grandmothers house (it was what grandmother put in her will) after she passed and in retrospect it was a really bad idea. My mil was not ready to let go of her mother or anything associated with her. Moving the stuff out of the house was a disaster. If all you are holding on to is a phone number consider yourself well balanced. Grieving is a part of life and death and doesn't always make sense. That's ok.
Anyway grief manifests itself is okay in my book. The world will wait, as Scott said. You can be quiet for a while if you want to. I am thankful people call to check on you, but you needn't feel obligated to allow them into your inner sanctum. Isolation when you've lost your mama isn't necessarily a red flag, it could be a white flag of surrender to sorrow. We have to feel those feelings and trust the process.
Prayers for you.
Chris
Pam, your posts are never too long.
Silence is Golden has many forms.
My love and good thoughts to you.
I think that this is just grief Pam. I felt much that way as if I didn't want to be around anyone after my parents died. It took me a long time to grieve each of them. I realize that I just needed the time to reflect and to be sad.
Everyone has already said it much more eloquently than I could, but the grieving process; it's a process and if silence is a part of your for a spell so be it.
I found in my life that the deaths of those I love have left me a fairly quiet person in real life. That's okay...I just don't have a lot to contribute to the small talk or big talk of life...
I love sleeping and the esoteric aspects of it; I find it one of the stranger things we do; I mean we could be doing anything and so not know it...
Love
Gabi
Sounds like grief to me too.
I know that doesn't help much.
It probably also doesn't help much for me to remind you that it will be different later.
But, it's all I can say to express that I care for you.
Blessings and aloha...
{{Oh Pam!}} I am sorry to hear about Mama....I very clearly remember having these feelings when my Dad died..you are grieving and what's good is you are allowing yourself to do so...be gentle with yourself.
way across Houston is a major haul, been there done that lol
that has to be sort of strange, having to cancel mom's phone number after 55 years...
prayers are with ya, pop in a fave (or better yet, new) CD and take a drive across town :-)
Since I'm still seeing the words that you type, and I see that you are still speaking to your daughter, and still working and still actually attending the circle of friends and meetings, I guess I'm not worried ... especially since I know God has you in the palm of his hand and if he wants to give you an awareness to help you to grow ... it's his right :)
(((((((Pam))))))))))
I'm so glad you share these things, each time I see them, I feel like I'm not alone!
None of us are pros of the grieving process. I can't even express how it felt. When my Mom passed away I felt the same way. I realized I was an orphan and entered a whole new realm in my life.
My Mom's number was 752-1169 for 35 years and I will never forget it.
xoxoxo
Thanks for sharing on your blog. It felt good to tell you I rem my Mom's number after 12 years.
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