I Don't Know-Just Typing My Morning Thoughts
I read a couple of very sad alanon blogs this morning. I wonder if alanons have a harder time dealing with repeated disappointment than the average person. If someone "slights" the alcoholic it turns into a huge festering resentment that causes all kinds of problems. I wonder if when someones life/choices/illness disappoints an alanon, if that doesn't fester into something huge as well. I'm not minimizing, just pondering. I am after all, on both sides of the fence.
I do know that when I was weeping for my children and feeling so sorry for them and the mess they had made of their lives, they were out having a really great time.
I do know that not one single "word" besides "love" EVER made a difference in their behavior.
I do know that if I give my son $1000. today to get out of a current jam, he will be in another one three months from now.
I have a good heart. A decent loving good heart and I always have, but when I was using I never gave my parents are children a single thought. My family's pain was always second to my addiction. I did not know that peoples lives and hearts were tangled up in mine.
I made my daughters addiction all about me. I tried hundreds of ways to "reach her" to "change her environment" to "change her meds" to change "heart". In the end she looked at me and softly said "Mama, this really isn't about you."
When my son turned 21 I decided to let him choose his own life's path whatever that may be. I wish I had been able to do this with my daughter because he is doing the same things she did but without all my pain mixed in the middle.
In the end, I believe we are all going to do exactly what we want to do. I believe this because it is basically the way everyone I know lives their life. I don't know a single person that says "I don't like my life but it's what my mama wanted."
As always, I could be completely wrong....k?
Pammie
15 OK JUST SAY IT!:
Well, you COULD be completely wrong, but you haven't been yet. And you aren't this time either.
good observations today pam
Excellent observations, and I've seen and experienced much of the same.
Reading this feels like I just had a heart to heart with my sponsor. Like you were holding my hand, trying to explain it--all gentle like.
I was a little teary today, but am better now.
I think your thoughts are spot on! I never once thought of the harm I was doing to family. It took the pain of seeing others relapse in sobriety to understand how my addiction affected others. I think you do KNOW!
Good stuff, ma'am.
we all have days like this. all i can add is this too shall pass.
I think that, while there are similarities, there are also important differences between the AA and Al-anon experience. I believe you've pointed out a few.
Thank you.
Blessings and aloha...
I love that picture.
And I'm enjoying Al-Anon meetings.
yea, when I was active in my alocoholism, my family was the last thing on my mind too...
It boils down to our own journey's indeed, what a brave and amazing post...I too live on both sides of that fence...it's hard and yet an amazing adventure when we allow it to be...
thank you Pam, again...your spot on!
g
For me, I mastered the four m's when I finally was a miserable enough mess to go to Alanon. My best role was the victim/martyr. The old "poor me, after all I've done, how could you do this to yourself (me)". Mothering, Manipulating, Micromanaging, Martyr. Awareness is half the battle. Great post!
Namaste
After years of trying to save our hurting drug-using daughter, who had witnessed a suicide to boot, we finally had to let go of her. We told her to leave by such a day and time, to live under a bridge if necessary, or sleep on a couch. She left. She floundered for a while. We just prayed like mad dogs for her. I cried sometimes.
Patience is a painful virtue.
But she had been raised in AA meetings. Finally, after some years, she pulled herself together. Today she is a shining light, doesn't use, has the occasional beer, loves her mama like crazy. God has healed us.
I can say that it does fester if I choose to dwell on it and let it grow in me. I would rather examine it, think about it a little, and let it go. Some things are better left to their own devices--I would say that controlling people is on that list. I don't even know if love makes a difference in behavior during the active phase. I've had people that I love deeply tell me that it's just a word and that they didn't want to hear it anymore. I can choose not to be tangled up in anyone else's life and heart. Great stuff here today Pam. I can relate.
This was a very thoughtful post, it feels honest and heartfelt.
And you're not wrong :).
Post a Comment